The Cynic and the Mystic

This blog is an important recorded history for generations of humans to ponder and pontificate about. Or, it’s merely an outlet for the chaotic part of me that realizes it would just as soon destroy itself as it would think about putting pen to paper.

So, we begin.

This blog is entitled “The Cynic and the Mystic” identifying myself as both and documenting the war between these two things. On one hand, am a zealous believer in existentialism and how conscious thought impacts reality thus creating the world that we live in. On the other, please, go fuck yourself. They bark and bite at one another. Sometimes gently, sometimes asking for a blood sacrifice. Do something, anything is the battle cry. I hope that one day one of them wins out and the other becomes silent. Perhaps peace will come then. I feel that this is a battle in all of us. For me it’s the battle between the deep, sticky cynicism that is easy to fall into when you work as a healer treating substance use disorder, and the mystic that has witnessed miraculous recovery from it. I say miraculous with caution, you see, because it denotes an extraordinary event that defies human understanding. And the cynic in me, scoffs at the idea.

Yet, it persists.

I laugh at the religious fanatics that spout they are the only ones who have the answer. I openly mock those who glom onto science as the only answer. One day, perhaps science will be able to explain everything to everyone. Today is not that day, and to believe that scientists cannot be bought and sold is an ignorant thought.

You see, these parts exist in me and neither one has the solution.

We fight it as a species. Looking to find meaning in everything. Looking for signs and solutions to who we are and why we’re here. It’s not an answer I’m looking for. Not because I’ve found it, but because I’m interested in different questions. What am I doing here? That’s better. It brings the power back to me. It allows me to reflect on action as opposed to abstractions. What am I doing here? This moment, I’m writing. 20 minutes ago, I was wrestling with the idea of writing. 20 minutes from now, I hope I’m done writing.

I like the idea of a Higher Power, there’s comfort in it. I like the idea that there is a force constantly looking out for me, especially when I do the “right” thing. The problem is that I then ask “What about those folks that are starving in the streets?” The answer I might get from a holy person is: “God/the universe has a plan and everything happens for a reason” which is not really much of an answer inasmuch as it is a cop out. The science man may have a better, more detailed answer. I answer with: I don’t know, but I would imagine it’s because we as a species are more fascinated with science or religion than we are with compassion. Those things don’t have to exist exclusively. We’re more interested in ourselves than we are our fellows. I don’t know what the solution is to homelessness is. I wish I did. Smarter humans than me have proposed them, but it seems that we would rather blame the homeless for their own problems than we would make some truly lasting change.

What would it take to make change? This is why I took on the mantle of “healer.” To create change. To help others find solutions to their quandaries. To make myself and the world at large, a better place.

This is a tough scenario also, because most people who are attempting to make change or “healers” are not intersectional in their healing. What that means is they focus on “positive thinking” and various other classist commodities, which don’t take into account many factors, not limited to racism and sexism. We’re not going to solve the sexual assault problem in this country with “positive vibes” and by adamantly focusing on solutions like that further perpetuates the shame that a person feels from such trauma. It does this because it implies that they are in their current state because of some defect within themselves and their thinking, not taking into account many of the systemic issues we face everyday. That pisses me off, but I divagate and will address in another post.

Back to it.

I’m not sure which part of me will win out, the Cynic or the Mystic. As you can see these two parts of myself argue upon the page. They are not to be hidden and ultimately, binary thinking is limited. We don’t know what we don’t know, you see.  I hope that these parts become more integrated. The cynic becoming more discerning as opposed to judging, and the mystic becoming more grounded as opposed to abstract. Perhaps I should take bets?

As this blog progresses, I hope it becomes more clearly defined and it becomes a forum for thought processes that impact change, even if it is just within me.

I’ll keep you posted. (Blog puns are fun, no?)