Rantized Ramblings

Well, here we are again typing on this godawful keyboard.

This is the cynic, speaking, if you can’t tell. The keyboard is awful, so I can’t really say it makes me a cynic for stating the obvious. Is it the tone?  It’s certainly not the punctuation. Ah, it’s the opening. The first sentence. I didn’t preface with: Yay, here we are writing! I started right in with the complaint. The cynical part of myself is really the resistance speaking. I don’t view it as a bad thing, except when it prevents me from doing something I actually care a great deal about, which is speaking the truth. We get into murky territory here, because most truth is subjective and all truths are mutable. Please note the finite statement there, using the word all. If all truths are mutable, that statement must also be changeable. Or transient, or malleable if you prefer. Tricky!

It’s important that we start. This blog is a start. It’s a commitment to myself to keep writing, even if I hate it. Especially if I hate it. I keep doing it because I feel better afterward. I know it keeps the chaos in my head busy for a little while, thus buying me a tiny respite from the madness inside my mind. On some level, I know it helps the reader. You get a respite, too, from your madness. There’s peace in that. That we’re not alone in our madness. I think it makes us less mad.

I’m not sure how I feel about any of it. Many people I know that have heard me read the words that I have written encourage me to do more of it. They ask me about the writing; they tell me that they love it. This somehow increases my resistance to it. Is that the oppositional defiant disorder speaking?

Here’s a link: Oppositional Defiant Disorder DSM V

Just some symptoms:

Argumentative/Defiant Behavior

4. Often argues with authority figures or, for children and adolescents, with adults.

5. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with requests from authority figures or with rules.

6. Often deliberately annoys others.

Number 6 is my favorite. It’s definitely not my wife’s favorite.

I don’t need a diagnostic manual to tell me I have a problem with authority. You see, when you learn from an early age that the people you are supposed to trust (parents, teachers, priests, pastors, and cops) are mostly full of shit, you begin to distrust authority figures. I don’t necessarily buy the whole ODD diagnosis, but it sure is a fun way to market pills to parents to suppress their children’s behavior. Weeeeeeeeee. (More on this later, too.)

Maybe I won’t write just to deliberately annoy others. Ha.

I don’t think any of this has anything at all to do with my resistance. Everything has everything to do with my resistance. I can find any excuse not to participate in my own life. Any reason will do. I’m certainly not going to blame others for my resistance. They’re just trying to be supportive. They just may not see my jaw clench when they offer their kind and loving words. I’m sure the DSM has something written in there about this too.

So I continue to write, even if Borut says nice things about me. In fact, I’ll continue to write in spite of those kind words! This cynic is kind of an asshole, you know.

At the end of the day, how do I move through my resistance? I just do the damn thing in spite of it. Fuck my resistance.

Here’s a link to one of the greatest songs ever written as reward for enduring my ramblings: